Last night I dreamt that Sean and I were walking up a tall, skinny mountain. It was thick at the base, and got skinnier and skinnier as it went up, so the top was just a long, sharp point. We were hiking up that path in full snow gear. The path was more of a thin ledge that spiraled up the mountain than an actual path. We could have fallen off at any moment - it was that thin. It was at night, and everything was dark; there were no stars and no moon. The sky was just a deep blue. Sean and I, holding hands, carefully made our way up that mountain. There was a persin on front of him, and maybe two people behind me. I don't know who they were.
We were almost at the top. It was in sight. We were almost there, when the person in front of Sean fell. Sean tried to grab her and keep her from falling, but instead, he ended up falling himself. And in that split second, I had this overwhelming sense of
knowing. Time seemed to slow down. Everything was still. I
knew what was happening. And I
knew that I could save myself from falling if I just let go of his hand. ...But I didn't. I held on tighter.
It was so surreal. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. My dreams are usually in the third person, so you could see him fall first - a few feet out from the mountain, and a few feet below the path. And you could see me fall after, my feet leaving the ledge in slow motion. And then we were falling, falling, falling, and time sped up. And I wasn't scared. I knew we were going to die, but it didn't bother me. Neither of us were screaming. We were very accepting of our fate, I guess. I don't remember the fall that much. My dream sort of skipped over most of it, although I know it was a long, long fall. And I don't remember hitting the water (my dream skipped over that, too,) but I know we did. It wasn't ground at the bottom of the mountain, but ocean. Hitting the water must have stung a lot, but I didn't feel it. We were sinking, going deeper under the water from the force of our impact, and still holding hands. We were so deep that we couldn't tell which way was up. Finally, time slowed down again, and I opened my eyes.
He said, "Why didn't you let go?" Talking under water just seemed natural; it didn't surprise me that we could talk and breathe down there. Being in heavy, winter hiking weather clothes under water seemed very natural, too. I think, Sean even had those ski spikes in one hand. Our parkas were blowing up around us, our hjacket oods with fur trimming pulled tight around our faces. Everything around us was such a deep, dark blue. It was silent and still. We were suspended in that endless blue, as if we were floating in outerspace. And I didn't feel scared, or sad. Instead, I felt really calm and content. We were facing each other, with our legs bent underneath us.
I seemed very calm. And I replied, "We said, if one of us died, the other would too." And I just smiled, and he smiled, and everything went black.
And then, I opened my eyes and it was 100 days later (my mother told me so). I had been in a coma because of that huge fall, they said. And now everyone was relieved that I was awake. Sean was there, and he said he felt horrible because I could have been saved from all this pain if I had just let go. Apparently, I had been in a coma longer than he had. And I remember thinking: "Wow, the movies are wrong. You can't hear anyone when you are in a coma."
I don't know what the dream meant, but everything seemed perfect and lovely in it. All I felt was love for him. I didn't care that I was going to die. I really didn't. I was okay with dying with him. I was okay with dying for him. But I guess, it sounds creepy when you say it like that, so I haven't really expressed that feeling to him. That hey, I'd die with you. Hey, I'd die for you. I will never forget that bottomless blue ocean, and that feeling of contentness.
( the terrible day. )
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